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There is nothing more worrying for parents than anger problems in children. Anger is one of those uncomfortable emotions that no one wants to admit they are dealing with, especially in their children. Great parents know that they must help their children manage their anger for a healthy future.
We all expect ‘the terrible twos’ when tantrums and meltdowns are seen as the norm. From then on, we expect that as children develop, they will outgrow these behavioral problems and start using their words to express their feelings. But they cannot do that without our guidance.
Four ways great parents help their children express and manage their anger
Finding solutions to anger problems begins with a process of elimination, ideally during the first decade of life.
1. They maintain structure and good nutrition
All children need structure and routines in everyday life. This means:
- Regular meals (to satisfy hunger).
- Sleep routines (to prevent fatigue).
- Playful time with caregivers (to avoid disconnection).
- Up to four clear family rules and reasonable consequences (based on your family values).
If any of these critical elements are missing, address them.
“Letting your children share their thoughts and feelings with you is an opportunity to validate those feelings for them. A child, like an adult, wants to believe that whoever is talking to them understands them. While adults rely on body language and can infer other things. Saying that you understand how they feel and what specifically they are saying confirms those feelings.” explains psychotherapist Mindi Lampert.
Preschoolers (children younger than 5 or 6 years old) are just beginning to develop the capacity for emotion regulation: the ability to identify, understand, and talk about their feelings.
This means that even your very verbal four-year-old won’t be able to say, “Mommy, I’m mad because Suzie broke my tower! Please help me!” You shouldn’t expect that either.
So if your child is a preschooler or a teenager, your job is to help him regulate his emotions—notice them, label them, understand them, and express them.
However, children whose hearing or speech are delayed will have difficulty learning what you are trying to teach them, and they will get stuck using the same behaviors that have worked since childhood – crying, kicking their feet, yelling. – to express themselves.
If your child doesn’t have the words, he or she needs to take action to get help. If your child is acting out and has a language delay, see an speech and language therapist as soon as possible.
2. They monitor sensory processing problems
Maybe they’re fine in the bath one day, but completely melt away the next. Or they do well at school all day, but fall apart as soon as they get home.
When emotions seem unpredictable, a child may have sensory processing differences that need to be understood and addressed. No, this does not mean that they also have autism.
Children with differences in sensory processing experience life as unpredictable, making outbursts seem just as unpredictable, as suggested by research in The Journal for Nurse Practitioners. Consider consulting an occupational therapist who understands sensory processing.
3. They look for specific causes of anger
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If the teacher reports each time your child needs a transition (e.g., coming out of recess), angry conflict or challenging behavior, tries something new, works independently, or interacts with peers (e.g., recess, group work), you may want to better insight into their learning needs.
You may also have problems with homework. The jump from playing in kindergarten to desk work in first grade can be large, so it is not uncommon for children who never had anger problems in kindergarten to exhibit some problem behavior at this time.
However, if the angry outbursts last longer than a reasonable adjustment period (a few months), it may be a sign that they are having difficulty with some aspect of learning. This can also emerge if concepts become more challenging in later primary school age.
Talk to the teacher to clarify what is happening in terms of behavior and why something might trigger this behavior.
If the problem is not resolved quickly, consider a psychoeducational assessment by a clinical psychologist who specializes in conducting these assessments with children. described in School Psychology Review.
If attended to early, learning needs can be well addressed before they become mental health needs.
4. They consider mental health as a factor, if indicated
You’ve developed healthy routines and expectations and ruled out communication, sensory and learning problems, but you’re still struggling to help them learn to regulate their emotions.
Or their outbursts are harmful, too frequent/intense/prolonged, or disruptive to family life. Or worse, their anger seems to have turned inward. It feels like they are upset all the time, but they hold it in and are depressed and withdrawn.
It’s time to consider working with a counselor or mental health professional who specializes in children. Choose someone who will involve you in your child’s treatment. Why? Because your child needs you to understand and support him.
Understanding anger problems in children
Think about the last time you felt angry: someone stopped you in traffic and almost caused an accident. Or maybe you stepped on a Lego block.
In either situation, you would probably feel some degree of anger. You think, “What are they doing? They could kill someone driving like that!” or, “How often do I have to remind them to put the Lego away? I’m throwing it all away!”
You’ve been there, I’ve been there too. We all have that. These scenarios are ‘triggers’. They initiate the angry feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that follow.
Anger and aggression arise when we perceive a threat to our sense of security: physical, emotional or psychological.
When that happens, our brain body switches into self-protection mode and engages in behaviors to protect or defend. This is the ‘fight’ response. This is anger.
The good news? It is normal to be angry. Anger alone is not a diagnosis for anyone neurodevelopmental disorder such as autism or oppositional resistance disorder.
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion and can be good for emotion regulation. We all feel angry when we notice that we are being threatened, treated unfairly or that our boundaries are being violated. Children too. We don’t like the feeling, but the feeling itself is not dangerous.
Psychologist Jonice Webb explains“(If) you don’t learn the emotional skills that other children learn naturally in their childhood home, such as identifying, tolerating, managing, expressing or using your emotions, life feels unpredictable. It’s a challenge to kind yourself find or have or maintain positive feelings. Research from the American Psychological Association has shown that several major factors contribute to borderline personality disorder, including genetics, unpredictable parenting, and abuse.”
How do you know when a child’s anger is unhealthy?
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In addition to the “terrible twos,” children ages 4 to 44 can have an unhealthy relationship with anger. Regardless of their age, it is important to remember that the feeling of anger is often not the problem. Anger is a sign that they feel unsafe and need protection.
However, anger can become a problem for one of three reasons:
- Informal caregivers don’t know how to help.
- It causes damage.
- It disrupts functioning.
Recognize your own feelings of helplessness
Anger can scare adults. Even if it comes from a small person. But, as with all emotions, when you… child has outbursts of angeryou need to stay calm and help them do the following:
- Notice the feeling and label it.
- Understand why they are angry.
- Work through anger with compassion and empathy.
- Fix the problem that caused the feeling in the first place (including setting boundaries when necessary).
Following these steps can help you control your anger and express it in healthy ways. Sometimes it is difficult to talk to your child because he may need to express his anger first. If you can help your child with this, you can get started, unless he harms himself or others in the process.
When a child’s anger is disruptive
An article in Clinical Psychology Review suggested When people talk about anger problems, it’s usually about behavior. It’s what is said (mean, hurtful statements) and done (hitting, kicking, throwing things) that causes the real problem.
If your child’s behavior is not harming themselves or others, you know how to help them, and they are open to your help, then there is probably no problem. Unless it all happens too often, too intensely or too long.
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Like many things in life, the axiom of “everything in moderation” can also apply to anger. If your child seems angry all the time, even when he responds to your attempts to help him, it is likely disrupting your family life.
When intense, angry outbursts, even without harmful behavior, occur daily, several times a day, there is a problem. Or if they last longer than 20 minutes at a time. This can be tiring for anyone.
If your child’s tantrums longer than 20 minutes, they experience toxic levels of stress hormones in their brain body. This is a risk factor for their mental health and development.
Getting clear about how often, how intense, and how long their angry outbursts last can be helpful in understanding the problem.
Remember that not all anger is a problem
As a final thought, remember that not all acting out behavior is about anger. Anger expresses the need for protection, for example when a child is bullied or treated unfairly. Many other needs can resemble anger.
It’s another thing entirely to understand, “I’m sad (not angry) because my boyfriend moved away.” Or, “I’m jealous (not angry) because mom has been so busy with the baby.”
A nuanced one understanding feelings – sadness, jealousy, loneliness and others – helps children learn to understand their inner world and allows adults to identify real problems – sadness, disconnection – and real solutions – comfort and care, building connection.
So if you notice anger issues in children, start today so they can heal, learn, and grow.
Judith Pinto is a parenting expert and coach who helps mothers raise their children, of any age, and learn to let go of guilt.
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