By admin 
Golfpocalypse is a weekly collection of words about (mostly) professional golf with very few points, and the Surgeon General says it will make you a worse person. Contact The Golfpocalypse with your questions or comments about anything [email protected].
Now that the interminable presidential election is over, and we still have about six weeks until the next one starts, it feels like a good time to step away from the really big important things in the world and retreat into meaningless details. At least on a golf website!
So let’s become small and insignificant and remind ourselves that no matter what happens at the highest levels of government and world politics, tragic or triumphant, what really matters are the small grievances that keep us in constant flux from moment to moment maintain a state of anger. You could drop a billion dollars on my porch tomorrow morning, but the most memorable part of my day would still be the guy who cut me off in traffic. Is this a healthy way of life? Absolutely not. And yet: will I change? Unlikely! As Mel Brooks once said, “Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall into an open manhole and die.”
So today I want to talk about annoyances, especially on a golf course. I love hearing what pisses people off, and the more petty the annoyance, the more I like it. I can tell you that I personally do some very nasty things that will almost certainly register as someone else’s peeve. I’ve become a much better player in recent years, but if I have a terrible round, I will still play again after a bad drive, even if the drive isn’t OB. I can’t help it. I just need to fix what went wrong, and I need to do it immediately. (Note: the second shot is almost always worse.) This is vaguely tolerable the first time, when the next player approaching the tee has to stop and move out of the way while I furiously push another tee into the ground, but the fifth time ? Must be extremely annoying.
The other very annoying thing I do is the way too early “great shot!” phone conversation. My stepdad does this all the time when we play, and I want to kill him every time. Oh, it’s a great shot, isn’t it Tom? Then why the hell does he hook 30 yards OB?
(One of my most embarrassing moments on the golf course was when I yelled at him for this. We didn’t talk for about two months.)
And yet I do it too! I’ve tried quitting, and I’ve even made progress, but I think my personal, pathological need to bring good vibes to a group is so strong that I’ll inevitably compliment a shot once a round that looks good in the millisecond afterward. it gets hit, but ends up in someone’s kitchen. I don’t like this about myself, and I’m trying to get better.
Which brings us to my pet peeve, which is a little weirder, but annoys me to no end. It’s so strange that I’m not even sure I can summarize it in a single sentence, but I’ll try:
I hate playing with people who don’t understand proper putting etiquette.
What does that actually mean? At the risk of sounding neurotic, which I really hate, I believe that when everyone is in a foursome on the green, there is good choreography to observe. To get the dance right, you just need to understand a few simple rules:
1. The one furthest from the hole putsts first.
2. After you putt, what happens next is ALWAYS up to you. Would you like to putt again? Certainly. Just be quick. Do you want to highlight? Great, don’t use a poker chip like an asshole. Will you pick it up and call it good even though you’re five feet away and you’ve already missed a few three-footers? As long as we don’t have a game, go to town! Shoot the fakest 82 of your life!
That’s it. That’s it. A child could master it. I assume a lot of kids do. (The only kids I play with are my own, and they are busy treating the bunkers like a personal sandbox.)
And yet I am constantly confronted with people who do not understand. They start putting and then look at me as if I’m the agent who makes sure they can putt again. Otherwise they have no mark and leave the ball there in all its sorrow and shame. It’s annoying. It’s unbearable. They zoom, they hesitate, they hesitate. (voice becomes more and more insane) THEY DON’T KNOW THE STEPS TO THE DANCE! DON’T YOU SEE?! NO ONE TEACHED THEM THE DANCE!
This is a stupid thing to get upset about, I know. But as a previously clumsy kid, there’s something about the awkwardness of not knowing when to putt and when to mark that hits me like nails on a chalkboard. I’m not proud of this. I wish I wasn’t such an uptight weirdo about this one stupid part of the game. And yet here we are: I’m a psychopath when it comes to etiquette, and I will never change.
FIVE TOUR THOUGHTS: NO EDITION
There have been no tournaments on the PGA Tour or the DP World Tour this past week! Very strange, very unpleasant. Please never let this happen again.
But guess what, instead of talking golf? I’m using the space to talk Duke basketball, baby! If you didn’t already know that I’m already a Duke fan, I’ve probably managed to make you hate me. Sorry about that. But I saw Duke play their opener against Maine on Friday, and mine Godthis team is good. Best Duke team since Kyrie Irving was selected. Hear me now, believe me later, Duke wins the national title, Kon Knueppel becomes president in 2044, and even though Cooper Flagg is 24 years younger than me, I already consider him a father figure. It’s going to be a great year, folks.
My sincerest apologies for making you read this paragraph. Go Duke.
THE ABSOLUTE IRON-clad LOCKS OF THE WEEK
Golfpocalypse is not a gambling advice service and you should never heed anything written here. Better choices are here.
Career record: 5-42. I only made one pick last week and Hae-Ran Ryu came in just one shot behind eventual winner Rio Takeda. Which means I’m still red hot, and you should go ahead and refinance your house to follow my advice. Also an anagram of Hae-Ran Ryu is “Hear U, Ryan.” I think this is some kind of message for me, but I’m not sure what.
The PGA Tour is BACK at the World Wide Technology Championship in Mexico, and I’ve decided to make Duke the theme of the week. That’s pretty easy for this event, because Max Greysermanhimself a Dukie, is the betting favorite. I watched this guy absolutely ruin the Wyndham Championship last summer with a somewhat unfortunate but still terrible quad on 14, but he handled himself like a champ and has continued to play well, including a T-2 in the Zozo two weeks ago. I’m all in. Go ‘Flagg’ hunting, Max.
On the DP World Tour they are in Abu Dhabi, and since I started late this week I already know the results of the first round. LOVE if that happens. And coincidentally, the man in charge shares a first name with the man everyone thought would be Duke’s next head coach after Coach K, but who was sidelined for Jon Scheyer: Tommy Amaker. So as cowardly and cheap as this may be, you better believe I’m in on it Tommy Fleetwood.
The LPGA takes place in Hawaii, where for some reason it started on Wednesday, and there are currently two Dukies tied for 10th: Gina Kim and Yu Liu. Neither is in the top 100 of the rankings, so unlike my dastardly Fleetwood pick above, neither represents an act of true bravery on my part, and should be rewarded with a ticker tape parade outside Cameron Indoor Stadium . I’m coming along Kim.
And who will I join on the Champions Tour during the Charles Schwab Cup Championship? Oh, you better believe it is Ken Duke.
Finally, at LIV Golf Durham, I take Duke Dukeson.
THE “DUMB TAKE I BELIEVE”
There should be a 72-person tournament, with one man eliminated after each hole until there is only one champion left. Granted, this would take forever on the first hole, with all 72 players playing and then breaking ties, etc., and the logistics would be terrible the entire time, but imagine the drama as the field shrunk. I think we only need a month to stage something like this. The first Tour between the PGA and LIV to do this has my undying loyalty.
THE READER’S STORY OF THE WEEK
Here’s Jamie with a huge list of his own pet peeves:
1. The guy on the third hole STILL doesn’t have a ball marker in his pocket
2. DO NOT talk to my ball
3. The man goes to the drinks cart before going outside
4. Empty water coolers
5. Spitting sunflower seed shells naturally
6. A man who doesn’t look at his own ball off the tee… usually a big miss… and then has no idea where the ball ended up
7. Play lessons happening for my group while we wait
8. Rangers who drive around all day doing nothing at all instead of getting slow pokes that move faster
9. Bad areas without grass that last all season without repair
10. Guys without HCP negotiating how many shots they “deserve”
11. Guys who don’t watch the whole group hit the tee shots because they only care about their own ball. Even worse when they ask, “Did anyone see that?” after they struck
I have been 100% guilty of 1, 2, 6 and 11, and I am rightly ashamed. However, Jamie is absolutely right about the useless marshallsand anyone who spits sunflower seeds on a green should be sent straight to the firing squad.
Previously on Golfpocalypse:
If you talk about politics during the course, please for God’s sake stop
Loving golf in 2024 is about discovering where the money isn’t
I believed in the magic of Tiger Woods when I was a kid, but now I’m a cynic
If you can enjoy golfing alone, you have reached Nirvana
I took 12 stitches in the head playing golf before I even started loving it
An annual ‘Friends Ryder Cup’ trip is the best fun golf has to offer
Marshals on public golf courses need to get a lot meaner
I, and I alone, have the brilliant idea to get the Tour Championship in order
It can’t be fun to play golf if you’re really bad
Confession: I break bats when I’m angry
Playing golf in bad weather makes me feel alive
It’s annoying for other people to worry about what other people think of your golf game
Feel sorry for Rory, because choking sucks